No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?