Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
EXCLUSIVE: Text of mysterious “second letter” to EU commissioners.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?