@AlexEllisdon

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

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@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

@RandomAntics

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

@iGreenMonk

“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”

#WhereEnglishFails

@That_Damn_Duck

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

@GrowlyGrego

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?