Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
New mindset, who dis?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38