@brendohare

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

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@HatfieldAnne

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

@flashember

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

@SuburbanSleuth

Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.

@IamEnidColeslaw

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

@Lowenaffchen

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

@daemonic3

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.