Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!