Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no