If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
wtf is an acronym
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again