If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.


This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival


Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.


Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15


Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.


Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands


Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.


Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no