If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Spring cleaning checklist…
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.