If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.