If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
this is literally a CIA plant
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot