Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Somedays I just love AI so much

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks