If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages