@brendohare

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

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@PaperWash

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@Tups13

Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae