If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Its a hippotatomus
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
everyone has that one prude friend
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.