If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Spa day..😅
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”