If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated