If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
So that’s what we looked like?
what it’s like dating me: