I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
You Might Also Like
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.
Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.