@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

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@FattMernandez

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

@skullmandible

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.

@MayaIsLoading

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

@LindaInDisguise

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@SayGerv

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.