[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Just me and my debit card against the world
Schrödinger’s cookie
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.