Best warning sign ever.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no
[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.