@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

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@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@ericsshadow

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

@SteveStfler

Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe

@samdunsiger

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@MissHavisham

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.