If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.