If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
another case of gang violins
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.