If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself