if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
You Might Also Like
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”