Me: Whatcha doin?
12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.
Me: Did Hershel die yet?
Me: Guess not.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
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Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*