If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.


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Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.


Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘


Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.


boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars


Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.


WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC


Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?


*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
thank GOD.