@dishs_up

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.

@hippieswordfish

Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@BrickStoneNews

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.