@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

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@nachosarah

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

@ClichedOut

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@_tomcashman

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

@Mr_Kapowski

FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now

@ericsshadow

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

@Eagle_Vision

Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.

@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@vladchoc

Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.

@1MeLrO

I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat