If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

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when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend


Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut


My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..


Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on


FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now


How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.


Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.


She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.


Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.


I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat