If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.