If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.