@CubanaMama82: If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
@simoncholland: I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@Shock_Monster: Why do Asian people never seem to age? I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.