@CubanaMama82: If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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@chimneyspotter: PERSON: Want a slice? ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread P: From your diet? M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure...from my diet
@RorynotRoy: "I don't want you to freak out, but..." - someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works
@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion