If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.


Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.


I don’t get why I’m supposed to like someone who’s different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.


I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.


“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking


I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in