If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”