If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?