@CanadianCyn

If I went back in time I’d tell myself…

“Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”

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@ch000ch

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

@michaeljhudson

Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.