if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Never ghost your hitman.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.