if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.