If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I put the mess in domestic.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.