[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits