I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s