If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in


If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.


Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.


My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground


If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up


[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything