The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You Might Also Like
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/