Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing
You Might Also Like
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]
cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.