If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

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Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*


[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks


My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park


I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.


why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man


[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying


The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute


[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.