@MisterBombay

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

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@softly_sighing2

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

@KimmyMonte

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

@threetimedaddy

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

@itsa_talia

why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man

@BoozeWallet

[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@iamspacegirl

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.