I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Livid.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.