If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
This is my brand.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My wedding will be open casket.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
This 4th of July, please remember…