If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.


My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.


Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider


My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol


me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull


Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.


Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.


I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.