@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

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@HLFHM

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@George_404

“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.

@SarcasticSadOne

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

@_troyjohnson

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.

@Playing_Dad

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

@ArfMeasures

LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here

M: That’s so nice thanks!