A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club
ME: I thought this was Gullible Club
L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here
M: That’s so nice thanks!