@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

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@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@ItsSamG

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@delusions_of

Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.

@lovemydogduck

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.