If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.