If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
smh
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!