Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I am all good here, 😂😉
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”