If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.