If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Happy Star Wars day!
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: