If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”