if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.