@ramenfuneral

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me

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@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

@brynnester

[Restaurant]
Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

@Vodkantots

So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.

@yenniwhite

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making todayโ€™s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

@HairyJew4Life

Filing taxes is so depressing.

Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.

Enjoy your refund, loser

@roxiqt

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@PickleRudd

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

@RunOldMan

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.