they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.