If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.