If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.


The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.


*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.


An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.


Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?


What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*