@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

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@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@huntigula

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

@Xoolun

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

@roxiqt

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*