Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Worth the read.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.