@deardilettante: If I were Cinderella, I wouldn't have settled for a guy who couldn't even remember what my face looked like.
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@FrazzleMyGimp: DOCTOR: What’s the matter? ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad husband. DOCTOR: I meant with your wife. ME: Oh her water broke or something.
@dubstep4dads: "Interested in mail enhancement?" Me: u mean 'male' enhancement "No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro"
@ruraljules: Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn't talking to me either
@nickturani: My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor