If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.