@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

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@mrsauntiepam

My husband has burned my grilled cheese. I can’t see it or smell it yet, but there is a palpable disturbance in The Force.

@anoticingsenpai

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

@Frankly_Drebin

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

@tayandmae

9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@TheMichaelRock

Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop

@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@ArfMeasures

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

@NewDadNotes

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?