If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!