Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If I were Hillary, I’d ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training