I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.