@arealliveghost

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

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@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

@UnFitz

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

@david8hughes

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

@Shen_the_Bird

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

@JulieSnark

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

@suziqkelley

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

@iscoff

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

@FrazzleMyGimp

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.