Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.