ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I’d have pizza.
sometimes I question my sanity, sometimes it replies
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
me: and they’re unhealthy
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!