if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
ok like just. call me at this point
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Cha-ching is my safe word