if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

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ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*



Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.


[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]



The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.


[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body


me: and they’re unhealthy


I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.


Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.


Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!