I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”
So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.
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doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier