If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition


Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.


AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*


I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.


Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.


I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away


If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.