If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?


When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot


Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.


My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!


WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen


When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.


HER: sharks can smell blood from miles away

ME: *flossing for the first time in months* lock the door