stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Bringing home a sharpie
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on