@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

You Might Also Like

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

@eedrk

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@HoldinCoffeeld

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@RegularFred

Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.

@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier