If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
We’ve all been there
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon