Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”